My mom-in-law went home from the U.S for a 2-week vacation and seeing her makes me miss my husband even more, like a piece of Bryan has gone home and the feeling is quite overwhelming. I haven't mentioned this before, but one of my coping mechanisms to not miss my husband so much is distraction, that's why I accepted my 6 days a week job for 2 consecutive semesters now.
Last week was the Monthly Exams of our students, which means I have a day off or two. I spent Friday and Saturday (which rarely happens) relaxing at home and indulged myself to my first love--reading novels. Then there goes that queasy feeling again and the sad truth that I'm alone, away from him. After reading a good book, I always feel energized and my love tank is full again, but it pains and frustrates me even more because the only thing that I can do is to see and talk to my husband on Skype. I am sad that we cannot embrace, kiss, hold hands and share all the love and that I have to wait for at least 6 months before I get to see him again, and that's only for 2 or 3 weeks. It pains me that we are not together to celebrate the important events of our lives like our wedding anniversary, my birthday, his birthday, Christmas, New Year. People say Bryan and I are so lucky to have each other and it seems like we're pulling off everything smoothly, but here comes the bitter fact that we are not together and we have to wait until my papers are okay. It annoys me when people tell us what we need to do, like "Oh, you should have chosen the fiance visa" (we're married for 2 years but they still suggest it) or "You should conceive already! You're not getting any younger."
Our situation is only temporary, I know, but when I think about it, a lump always forms in my throat and tears start dripping from nowhere. I am heartbroken. I miss Bryan so much. It feels odd because for the past days, I always find myself sob when I'm alone and it's not even my red days. Two days from now, my mom-in-law will go back to the U.S, and it breaks my heart more because I don't like to see people leave. It makes me anxious and forlorn. The last time Bryan went home was December last year. On his departure, I didn't tend him to the airport. I chose to stay home and distract myself to divert that morose feeling. I reminded myself not to cry, but then, our aunt/godmother joked about Bryan leaving me. I couldn't contain myself anymore and broke out in tears while my mom-in-law gave me a soothing hug, like an assurance that everything will go well. Our situation has been like this since 2005. Yes, it's been 7 years, but I am not still used to it, and I will never get used to it. I'm just praying so hard and hoping that 2012 will be our year. I will be more than happy to shed those hot, painful tears away.
Allow me to share some of my favorite photos of us since 2010.
|Last year on my graduation when I earned my Master's degree.|
|Our wedding in 2010|
|Our quirky post-nuptial pictorial last year. I love taking photos because these are the only tangible things that will remain for years.|
|A memory of our 60's themed photo shoot in 2010.|