So far, here's what I got

Whenever it's gloomy outside, I can't help but feel the same. For the past days, there's this feeling of unhappiness. Something enigmatic. I envy my friends who are already out of the country. Don't get me wrong. I love my job here but sometimes, I feel like I want a change of environment. I want a stress free atmosphere. 

Bryan and I are married for 5 months already. There are some changes but I beg to disagree to those who say marriage will turn your life into 360 degrees. I'm still not use of my change of name and that my students address me "Mrs". Or that we have to seriously save for the future. Besides that, everything's still the same. My husband and I have been together for the past 6 years but if we're going to sum up the years that we've been physically together, it's just about 3 years because Bryan stayed in the U.S since 2005 and occasionally comes home. 

Even if I am already slightly established here, I will be willing to give up everything to be with my husband because he's my home now and it hurts a lot when people ask me when am I going? Why? Because we too, are not sure WHEN. It's a big question mark. Maybe 2, 3, 4 or even 5 years from now. That we don't know. And when asked when is Bryan coming home again, we couldn't answer either because he can't give up another job there. And now, I'm planning to get a tourist visa AGAIN so I'll be the one visiting him from time to time until he files the petition or until I am petitioned. That would be a lot easier because I have a semestral break, Christmas and summer vacation. Sounds easy right? But I was already rejected twice. I don't know their standards in giving a visa but the reasons they gave me were contradicting. I had complete documents by the way. It's just a darn piece of paper but why is it so difficult to procure?
 
The first consul told me I'm still too young. Then months after, I tried again. This time, the consul said I have to be established first. But for me, I think the main reason here is because I declared my profession. What's the point of lying? So what if I'm a nurse? I don't even have the license to work there. All I want is to visit my then fiance at least twice a year. That's it.

An option could be, Bryan can just return and start our lives here. That would both end our miseries of missing each other. But we don't want to waste the time we both sacrificed for the past years. We're almost there. We'll be together soon and I won't get envious anymore whenever I see couple hold hands. And this lonely feeling will fade sooner. I hope..It's just another sequel of hormones.

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