Flight of Ideas

I've been feeling odd for the past weeks and I can't explain why. Ever since second semester has started, I have a lot of thoughts in mind. I have been sleepless on weekdays and find myself sleeping the whole Sunday, but still I wake up tired, a bit scared, worried and stare blankly on walls for the longest time. Oh I hate it!! I thought it was only pre-menstrual syndrome but it continued still. Maybe I just miss my family. It's been a while since I went home and Bryan and I weren't able to talk much for the past days. Or maybe it was the evaluation last semester where I received not so good comments, (well, only few..most are good ones) but still it affected me emotionally. Sometimes I want to go back to hospital work. It maybe tiring, but you do nothing but rest when you get home, unlike this job, you still have to prepare activities for the next day, make quizzes, compute grades and everything. Even if you think you did 100% of the job or even more, you still receive criticisms. And I mean negative ones that sometimes, I find myself crying without knowing the exact reason. I even demand Bryan to get me out of here and have a quiet life with him in the U.S. I want all these pressures go away. I'm saturated and it reflects on my face. One person even told me I am at my whitest. I happily told him it's because the wedding's 3 months from now. But I should have told him I'm this fair now because I never get to see the sun anymore. Nonetheless, I should be strong. Criticisms will always be there and cliche as I may say, you can't please everyone. But on a lighter note, these will help me improve too. (even if it's hard to accept one..I'm working on it I swear) As the third window on the johari's says, there are things you can't see which people notice on you. And I have to say, I discovered a lot on myself ever since I started teaching and I should be grateful on that. I love this job and won't give it up, especially now.
My students are a different story. They're like a pendulum. I could be at my worst or at my best when I'm with them. But I love them, really. I'm happy when they learn. Sometimes when I'm sad and try to hide it to everyone else, they cheer me up even if they didn't mean to. They brighten up my day. Sometimes I think being a teacher means you are a public property that even if you don't have anymore obligations in school, you still have to behave even with your private life. I cannot even post photos on friendster or facebook with a swimsuit on as I find it improper. Some students treat you as if you don't even exist. I bumped into them on the corridor, they even look at me but suddenly give that sullen glance. Or some tries to greet, but really, I feel the sarcasm. All these are part of the job. This is the price of being in a Center of Excellence. But as I've said, this is what makes me happy. I'm not even sure if this post makes sense. I have a lot of things in mind but I don't know how to put them in words (maybe my neurons are tired too). To end this up, I'm glad that at the end of the day, I still find myself surrounded with beautiful people. I have a reason to smile and always look at the brighter side of life. I'm happy there is love as it makes me stronger.

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